FAWM song #2: “Jackasses with Horns”

“Jackasses with Horns” page on fawm.org

Wrote and recorded this one in a day, which is a nice speed-up for me. This song came pretty easily, and I’m as happy with it as I could imagine being with a song that I spit out so quickly.

The title refers to the unicorns of Unicorn City—jackasses with horns is what they’d be, if they were evil, which they (probably) are. Of course, at this point in the show, the only person to hold that opinion is the stableboy, who has to deal with their very sharp horns if they happen to wake up while he’s cleaning up their little steaming presents for him.

This idea is actually a lot less prevalent in the final version of the show than you might expect from the title, but it was the true inspiration for the show. Originally, I was just planning to write a sketch comedy set in a fantasy realm, but the stableboy-who-has-to-care-for-unicorns-he-hates was the only idea that I liked. So that started a story that kind of grew around it.

Anyhow, this will certainly get an edit to make a few things more precise, but for the most part, I’m quite happy with it.


Every evening, forty-seven minutes past the break of dusk.
Half a mile away you’ll be assaulted by the musk.
Don’t show early or the monsters won’t be yet asleep
But get there late and you won’t have time to feed and muck and sweep.

Special hay bales, that’s the only grub they deem fit to consume
Treated with rosemary, comfrey and a single orchid bloom.
They won’t frolic if they do not get the perfect blend
It all smells the same once it get out of the other end.


They’re not noble.
They’re not bright.
They’re all stubborn
And they’re full of spite.
Stupid blooming bloody unicorns.
Jackasses with horns

“They’re so gentle” all the stupid little girls are proud to squeal
Til they see you, then they’ll try to butcher you like you were veal.
Horns as sharp as baselards, each one aimed at your spine.
They gave me three belly buttons two in front and one behind.


They’re not noble.
They’re not bright.
They’re all stubborn
And they’re full of spite.
Stupid blooming bloody unicorns.
Jackasses with horns

In nightmares I hear them
Bleating a scheme
I wake every a-after-
Noon in mid-scream.

And then I arrive here
In moonlight’s gleam.
They’re plotting someting
A wicked regime!

I can tell you think that I am influenced by all this booze
But I swear that I have more than thoroughly a-paid my dues.
Fifth time you get bit you will not think they’re cute no more.
And you’ll want to join me in my one-man holy equine war

You’ll see that

They’re not noble.
They’re not bright.
They’re all stubborn
And they’re full of spite.
Stupid blooming bloody unicorns.
Jackasses with horns


FAWM Song 1: Where the Unicorns Are

\”Where the Unicorns Are\”

Here’s the first one… in all it’s confused, muddled glory.

Aathenaar isn’t known for much.
I’ve heard it’s a bit of a dump.
If the kingdom were a body
Then it would be the



It’s got no grand cathedrals
No nature to behold
They say the dining’s only fine
If you wish to dine on mold.

The baron is a tyrant
The stench is quite bizarre

Then why do you want to go there?

It’s where the unicorns are

Oh. There are nice things, too.

Every house is made of wood,
Or maybe dried-out straw.
The kids and cows will play outside
From the start of spring’s first thaw.

But… the unicorns?

Oh. I don’t know about that.

Have you been there?

Well, no. But I have a friend who… well, wants to.

Aathenaar has gone awry
Its people need to learn how to defy.
If they would let me I’d be their ally
So much suffering I could rectify

We’ve got the sun above us
And salty earth below.
I can keep fourteen percent
Of every single crop I grow!

Money Money Money

A unicorn is mystical
Can inspire a career
And that is why I need to know
Will I find some here?

They’re mean and awful nasty
Why doesn’t everyone agree?
Those bloody beasts should all be
Exterminated by me.

You’ll want to drown your sorrows!
There’s a noble underclass
And all the dragon attacks
Are now a thing of the past

I hope that when I get there
I find in Aathenaar

The happiest cleanest most industrious best protected most alkaline most heavily taxed fourth most pungent curiously alcoholic barony with a population of over 500 and under nine hundred and ninety nine in the entire kingdom!

That’s where the unicorns are!


FAWM, Day 1

My creative work for the next month is going to be devoted to February Album Writing Month. Except for, you know, the show, or that other show.

The bulk of my songs, if not all of them, will be for Unicorn City, which Three Legged Race is hoping to mount this fall, so there’s definitely some time pressure.

Today I wrote lyrics for song one, “Where the Unicorns Are.” It’ll be the opening number. I can’t say that I’m pleased with it, but then, that’s not really the point.

I had to play around with a few different concepts on this one, eventually settling on Pinchal the bard (who has a major, but sort of an outsider role) trying to ascertain whether or not this trip will provide what she is actually looking for, and letting the rest of the characters introduce themselves and the town through the song.

It doesn’t exactly work, though, and I think the reason is that too few of the other characters really like the town, and none of them are easy to introduce in the amount of time they have. So I’m trying to do too much, and as a result not doing much of anything. Also, it could probably stand to be a bit less literal.

Oh well. If all goes well, tomorrow I’ll have a recording to share.