FAWM song #2: “Jackasses with Horns”

“Jackasses with Horns” page on fawm.org

Wrote and recorded this one in a day, which is a nice speed-up for me. This song came pretty easily, and I’m as happy with it as I could imagine being with a song that I spit out so quickly.

The title refers to the unicorns of Unicorn City—jackasses with horns is what they’d be, if they were evil, which they (probably) are. Of course, at this point in the show, the only person to hold that opinion is the stableboy, who has to deal with their very sharp horns if they happen to wake up while he’s cleaning up their little steaming presents for him.

This idea is actually a lot less prevalent in the final version of the show than you might expect from the title, but it was the true inspiration for the show. Originally, I was just planning to write a sketch comedy set in a fantasy realm, but the stableboy-who-has-to-care-for-unicorns-he-hates was the only idea that I liked. So that started a story that kind of grew around it.

Anyhow, this will certainly get an edit to make a few things more precise, but for the most part, I’m quite happy with it.

Lyrics:

Every evening, forty-seven minutes past the break of dusk.
Half a mile away you’ll be assaulted by the musk.
Don’t show early or the monsters won’t be yet asleep
But get there late and you won’t have time to feed and muck and sweep.

Special hay bales, that’s the only grub they deem fit to consume
Treated with rosemary, comfrey and a single orchid bloom.
They won’t frolic if they do not get the perfect blend
It all smells the same once it get out of the other end.

Because

They’re not noble.
They’re not bright.
They’re all stubborn
And they’re full of spite.
Stupid blooming bloody unicorns.
Jackasses with horns

“They’re so gentle” all the stupid little girls are proud to squeal
Til they see you, then they’ll try to butcher you like you were veal.
Horns as sharp as baselards, each one aimed at your spine.
They gave me three belly buttons two in front and one behind.

Oh-oh-oh

They’re not noble.
They’re not bright.
They’re all stubborn
And they’re full of spite.
Stupid blooming bloody unicorns.
Jackasses with horns

In nightmares I hear them
Bleating a scheme
I wake every a-after-
Noon in mid-scream.

And then I arrive here
In moonlight’s gleam.
They’re plotting someting
A wicked regime!

I can tell you think that I am influenced by all this booze
But I swear that I have more than thoroughly a-paid my dues.
Fifth time you get bit you will not think they’re cute no more.
And you’ll want to join me in my one-man holy equine war

You’ll see that

They’re not noble.
They’re not bright.
They’re all stubborn
And they’re full of spite.
Stupid blooming bloody unicorns.
Jackasses with horns

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